trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
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I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
She was REALLY feeling it.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.