trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
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2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I hope they boil the right one.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.