trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

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[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water


When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.


wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?


Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.


Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.


My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.


ME: [forgetting the name of someone I went to school with for years] Hey… man!

ME: [watching GoT] That’s Randyll Tarly, Samwell’s father.


Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.


Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama