I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
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I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE
[does stabbing and offering motion]
A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
*Things that won’t get done today.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”