@sherrysworld

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

@Cheeseboy22

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

@AndyAsAdjective

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

@robfee

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

@buttgh0st

[at club]
DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE
“WHAT?”
[does stabbing and offering motion]
A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE

@joshgondelman

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

@phalguy

?dishes
?laundry
?vacuuming
?dusting
?me

*Things that won’t get done today.

@sarcasticmommy4

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

@david8hughes

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

@HelloJessicaFox

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”