trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.