Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
You Might Also Like
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
work smarter, not harder
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*