Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
