Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is