Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
You Might Also Like
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I just want an internship man
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Nothing to do, you say?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that