Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.