trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
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Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
on da cob, we all corn
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
dictator is short for richard potato