trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
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Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
This anagram machine is out of order.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.