trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
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ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on