Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
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We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
that wasn’t the question
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“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.