Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
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Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
screw you
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories