Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
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Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
iPhone X
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary