Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug