Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
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Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
m’lady
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Okay
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*