Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
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Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?