Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
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Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
All right then, keep your secrets
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me redecorating every room in my mind
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.