Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
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I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
That de-escalated quickly
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
How did we not see this back then?
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try