Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
The USS B port
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull