Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
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my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.