“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
You Might Also Like
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!