“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
sry
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong