“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
You Might Also Like
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Trying
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.