“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
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Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
No one:
London landlords:
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.