Truth
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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I love you…
…r dog.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Bro what is this
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Name another movie that mislead you?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Heroic Misunderstanding
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.