Truth
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“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?