Truth. ๐๐ญ๐ฎโ๐จ
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Donโt tell me what to do, youโre not a donut
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the โsmelly guyโ is at my work, and when I said we donโt have one she said, โthen itโs probably youโ.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17โs boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. Iโm weird enough.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish youโd just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I donโt think he ever deleted his profile
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?