Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
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Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.