Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
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My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.