Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
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Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.