Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
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Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.