Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

Dietest Coke

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker