Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
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Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
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Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.