Truth or dare?
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
-Put on this ALF costume.

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[From the other room]
14: Dad, help, the printer won’t print.
Me: But… I just got home.
14: I need it for a Zoom class.
I just laid down on the couch.
14: You want me to tell my teacher that?
No, Dog’s laying on me tho..
14: Dog ate my dad so I can’t do my homework?


Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine


It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.


Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.


Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?


I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.


When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.


[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though