Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
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My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Monday
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.