Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
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Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Your honor these allegations are
new career option?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.