Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Twitter

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there