[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
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me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go