Truth. 😆😭😮💨
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The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
rise and shine we got egg
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy