Truth
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first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.