Truth
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Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
weird email i got today
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.