Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

english majors be like furthermore

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?