Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

Happy Febuary everyone!

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.