Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

A small tragedy.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.