Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”