Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.