@Alex_N_Chains

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

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@_squiggz

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

@realfunghi

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

@vikkaroni

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

@Dank_Pal

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

@Lhlodder

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

@JPLFR80

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

@daniellebyers

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

@KeetPotato

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

@markydoodoo

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever