Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
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I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My dad teaching me to drive
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Never ghost your hitman.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.