Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.