TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
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So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.