When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

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“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus


Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor


I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.


[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk


When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset


Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.


I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.