TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Always 🥴