@SadMeterologist

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

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@cwhudson

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

@RoosterMustache

Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor

@treydayway

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

@continentlbkfst

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

@T_Bonezzz_

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

@Severnjaca

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

@TheClifBob

I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.