TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
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felt that
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Lmao
definitely did not do anything wrong
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Sir!!
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember