Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Investing in beetcoin

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.