Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car