Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?