Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
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i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry