Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Just a bush.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”