Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.