Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

Saturday

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

no way 😭

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”