Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
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Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Ken is short for chicken
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.