Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
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Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My life coach traded me.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Brands during Pride
