Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
You Might Also Like
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
☠️☠️☠️
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Cop lights are so pretty at night
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.