Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
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Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”