Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
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Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me