Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
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wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Body by sandwich.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.