Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
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same but as an audience member
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?