Try and stop me.
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ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart