Try and stop me.
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“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.