Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Got him!
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.