Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Merry Christmas
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.