Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon