Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
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You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people