Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

The 6 types of sex

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding