Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
You Might Also Like
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
new record!
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”