Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

meow

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”